Twilight -- Finally It's Over

I'm a huge fan of vampires, but whatever those are in Twilight they are not vampires.  Not a new opinion or particularly originally, but there it is. Even if I looked passed the sparkling in the sun thing, they have no fangs. How can you be a vampire and have no fangs? Does not compute.

But, non-vampireness aside, this movie is just...well, mostly a letdown. In places it is really beautifully shot and the music is affecting...but it says something about a film when you notice the music over the action.

I was disturbed by the fact that the setting was so idyllic, while we were supposed to believe that vampires are so dangerous. Because no one seemed dangerous in this film. Sure, we were supposed to believe that Bella almost ate a rock climber, but there was no real tension there. And we were told repeatedly that she had such super self-control, but since EVERYONE had such self-control how were we to believe that? We were told that some of the other vamps that showed up ate people, but aside from one brief scene NO ONE ate anyone.

There was very little actual vampireness in this film. No fangs, no blood and very little actual fighting. And what fighting there was, was SPOILER undone! The climatic fight scene that saw losses on both sides was in fact only a psychic projection. Never happened. So, we have this supposedly huge battle an have exactly one death...and she was a fairly minor character.

This filmed seemed to be so much noise about nothing. The stakes never felt high, partly because so much of the action was conveyed via voice over, instead of actually you know, SHOW ON SCREEN.

And there was the creepiness factor of Jacob, an adult, being bonded and in love with Renee-Esme, a child. I know, it was handwaved away as being uncontrollable and that she'd be an adult in seven years, but that does not change the fact that her future-husband (who she had NO CHOICE in choosing) changed her damned diapers. And the fact that Carlisle seemed to have a penchant for turning young, attractive men into vampires. It's creepy all around.

And so romanticized. It may seem odd to complain about the fact that this movie waves away the genuine difficulties of marriage and parenthood when it's supposedly about vampires, but...they get married, have a baby in three days, she gets turned into a vampire and suddenly their baby is a toddler, they have a lovely, full furnished house and built in babysitters so they can have sex all day? That's just....it sticks out like a sore thumb.

The Four Year Nap

Ok, so....this blog has been silent for four years. That's long enough, yeah? So, I'll be posting again. Whee! Watch this space for witty reviews, snarky opinions and random pop culture chattery.